I recently asked my neighbors’ little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President someday.Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, “If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?” She replied, “I’d give food and houses to all the homeless people.” Her parents beamed with pride.”Wow…what a worthy goal,” I told her, “but you don’t have to wait until you’re President to do that! You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I’ll pay you $50. Then I’ll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.”

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, “Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?”

I said, “Welcome to the Republican Party.”

Her parents still aren’t speaking to me.

A crusty old man walks into the local Catholic church and says to the

secretary, “I would like to join this damn church.”The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, Sir. I must have
misunderstood you. What did you say?”"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!”"I’m very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church.”The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the priest’s study to
inform him of her situation. The priest agrees that the secretary does
not have to listen to that foul language.

They both return to her office and the priest asks the old geezer,
“Sir, what seems to be the problem here?”

“There is no damn problem,” the man says. “I just won 20 million
dollars in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get
rid of some of this damn money.”

“I see,” said the priest. “And is this bitch giving you a hard time?