The truth hurts…
Posts Tagged ‘smart ass’
Costume party
2011
10.18
10.18
A couple was invited to a swanky costume party.
Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told
her husband to go to the party alone.
He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was
going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his
good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without
pain and, as it was still early enough, decided to go the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she
would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when
she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on
the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a
little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself,
he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the
new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished…
Naturally, (since he was her husband.)
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed.
So off they went to one of the cars and had a “Quickie”.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put
the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation
he would make for his behavior. She was determined to “Trap” him about
his infidelity.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of
a time he had. He said: “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have
a good time when you’re not there.”
“Did you dance much ?”
“You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met
Pete, Bill Browning and some other guys, so we went into the den and
played poker all evening.
But you’re not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my
costume to….”
Cussing in Church
2011
10.14
10.14
A crusty old man walks into the local Catholic church and says to the
secretary, “I would like to join this damn church.”The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, Sir. I must have
misunderstood you. What did you say?”"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!”"I’m very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church.”The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the priest’s study to
inform him of her situation. The priest agrees that the secretary does
not have to listen to that foul language.
misunderstood you. What did you say?”"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!”"I’m very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church.”The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the priest’s study to
inform him of her situation. The priest agrees that the secretary does
not have to listen to that foul language.
They both return to her office and the priest asks the old geezer,
“Sir, what seems to be the problem here?”
“There is no damn problem,” the man says. “I just won 20 million
dollars in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get
rid of some of this damn money.”
“I see,” said the priest. “And is this bitch giving you a hard time?
FUNNY
2011
09.26
09.26
A mother passing by her daughter’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, “Mom.” With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands: Dear Mom: It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I’ve been finding real passion with him and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it’s not only the passion Mom, I’m pregnant and he said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that’s now one of my dreams too. He taught me that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone and we’ll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so he can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don’t worry Mom, I’m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your grand children. Your daughter, Judith… PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I’m over at the neighbor’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that’s in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home!!
The death of Common Sense
2011
09.22
09.22
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:-Knowing when to come in out of the rain~Why the early bird gets the worm~ Life isn’t always fair~And maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies, don’t spend more than you can earn and adults, not children, are in charge. His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn’t defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife Discretion, his daughter Responsibility, and his son, Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, I’m A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, do nothing.
~ Author Unknown
Anger Management
2011
09.12
09.12
Anger Management
When you occasionally have a really bad day,
And you just need to take it out on someone,
Don’t take it out on someone you know,
Take it out on someone you don’t know,
But you know deserves it.
